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FUN A DAY 2019 #22: Debbie

[CN: GLOW s1 spoilers] // Nothing in her adult life so far had quite gone as planned, and she wasn’t really sure how she’d gotten here, to this point. She knew that other people seemed to know who more...

[CN: GLOW s1 spoilers]
Nothing in her adult life so far had quite gone as planned, and she wasn’t really sure how she’d gotten here, to this point. She knew that other people seemed to know who and where she was, that they looked at her, and assumed. (She would eventually learn just how much that happened to all women, how they all had some kind of boss who was inevitably white, and a man, who sized them up, determined how fvckable they were, how pretty, how white, how skinny or curvy or desirable their body was, and in so doing decided who they were, and what their fate would be.) She was an actress, with a large bust, small waist, and hips that were round but not too round. She had clear, very light skin, light blue doe eyes, and perfectly highlighted and conditioned hair that was naturally blonde. People looked at her and assumed that her life had been charmed, that she must have access to real wealth, that her family must be happy. They thought that acting was easy, that marriage and motherhood were natural, that she’d lucked into all three. That made it easy to play the part, and she did, especially at work, because things went much more smoothly when she did. Her largely average, working class but blessedly safe, stable life and verging on boring parents were her business. She was happy to keep them to herself if it meant that she could make things happen on set, and get her first taste of real power. Power that she’d earned for herself, at that.
She hadn’t been able to keep her personal life from imploding, though, hadn’t been able to keep her employers from using her pregnancy as an excuse to write her out of the show, hadn’t been able to keep herself from feeling miserable without work outside of her husband’s very nice suburban house and resentful of how his life hadn’t really changed after the baby, hadn’t been able to stop her husband from having an affair with her Ruth, her oldest friend. Her only friend, really. No one knew or saw how grief stricken she was, and there was no one to tell. Not that she wanted to talk about it, she really just wanted to be occupied, wanted to go back to work and put her energy into something that might bring her some kind of joy. So all people saw was a consummate professional, an actress and now producer who knew her worth, the kind of woman that other women admired — until they realized that they should be afraid of her.
She hadn’t planned to become that woman. After everything that had happened, though, it had been very easy to become her. Stupidly easy, even. She’d gone from playing a self-assured professional woman to being (yes, being) the kind of woman who unknowingly terrorized her coworkers, and sometimes intentionally took her rage and sadness out on her soon to be ex-husband and Ruth. Ruth, her only real friend, and seemingly the only person who seemed to really want to be in her life, the person who had destroyed her and also liberated her: Debbie couldn’t decide which was more unforgivable, or which made her angrier. The betrayal had been devastating, and Ruth’s genuine remorse, and constant efforts to prove her reliability to Debbie had possibly hurt even worse in this strange way. Ruth was sorry, and she still wanted to be her friend, and her colleague. It was weirdly generous, and it almost felt like it should have been easy to accept her apologies, to focus on their work and on salvaging their relationship, to forget her life with her ex, to not only move but run forward.
But it was as if Debbie’s mind was blown, literally blown by all of this, by how suddenly all of this had happened to them, or really to her, she was the one who’d really paid for the infidelity. It was impossible to think clearly, forget ‘rationally,’ or to believe Ruth, or anyone, and it was even harder to let her marriage and everything she’d sunk into it go. The hardest thing to admit to was her relief, and how incredibly unhappy she had been, and how differently she felt now. She could barely describe or discern who she was now, and while buddying up with Ruth sounded good, rejecting her as loudly and as publicly as she could felt better.
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7 tracks
  • 29min
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  • 9 months ago